Poppa's Chair

Dear Spencer,

As I recently told you, I've been in a "funk" lately. I've been pondering life, death, and everything in between. I've been questioning the "whys" and the "what-ifs" more than ever. I'm guessing this has to do with it the fact that this year has been a really tough one for all of us.

I won't go into detail, because there are just some problems in life that a thirteen-month-old shouldn't be bogged down with (ha!). But really, let's just say that it has been a rough year for our family and leave it at that.

During this great emotional hurricane of 2011, I've thought a lot about how things would be different if only Poppa was here. How with his guidance, we would likely bite our tongues a little more. How we would think before we spoke. How we would put each other first. How we would hurt each other less.

But most importantly, how, like a good captain, he would grab this ship by its wheel and set us all on the right track.

All of these thoughts have led me to miss him even more and left me feeling quite bitter. I'm bitter that my siblings had the privilege of being given away at their weddings by him. I'm bitter that he was with them during the birth of their children; that he got to hold their children. 

I think mostly I've found bitterness in the fact that after losing a man who we all cherished so much, how quickly we've all returned to taking each other for granted.

You'd think it would be the opposite. That we would love harder. That we would forgive easier. But that just isn't the case, and it makes me sad. Sometimes it even makes me furious. 

At times I've felt pretty down, dare I say, depressed?

Then in a random turn of events, on Friday I babysat Talley, Molly, and Alyssa. And while we were there, the girls introduced you to one very special chair.

It was the same chair that Poppa sat in when he was a little boy. The same chair that he gave to Talley when she was a baby. The chair that Talley then passed along to Molly and now the chair which has been passed along to you.

It's funny how small things can come into your life just when you need them the most...

Yesterday we were in your playroom playing and suddenly out of nowhere you jumped up and crawled over to your new chair. You hopped onto its wide wooden "lap" and rocked back and forth, smiling and giggling.

And at that moment, for the first time ever, I felt Poppa's presence. 

Sure, Poppa wasn't actually holding my baby, but watching you as you took a ride in the very chair where greatness once sat, felt pretty close to the real thing. Suddenly, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I realized for the first time in nearly a year that no matter what, we were all going to be okay. That we will get through this, together, as a family. That once this storm has lifted, the sun will shine again and that in the end, we will be an even stronger family. We might not have our Poppa here to guide us in the flesh, but we do have one heck of an angel out there watching over us.

And we will surely find our way.

Love,

Mommy