Dear Spencer,
It's been a while since I've written to you. Not so much because I haven't had anything to say, but because I set myself a boundary within my letters. You see, originally I planned to only write you letters up until your first birthday, and then have the letters published - thus ending this part of our relationship (at least publicly).
As that expiration date drew closer and closer, I found myself pulling away from your baby blog. The end became so dreadful for me that shamefully, I skipped writing about many of your important milestones.
Like the first time you walked (September 14, 2011) just two days shy of your first birthday:
Or the time we had so much fun watching you crash your new Buzz Lightyear toy into a box and grandpa:
Fortunately, I have kept track of these important milestones, even though I haven't been very good at writing about them. I suppose I should explain my "mommy absence" so that you don't feel as though I flaked on you for no reason.
You see, lately I've been pondering "the end" a lot. I'm not sure if it's normal mom stuff, or if it's typical child of a dead parent stuff, but my greatest fear of you and I not spending the next 80 years together has been weighing heavily on my mind. Writing the "final chapter" in your baby book was admittedly giving me major anxiety, as I couldn't help but worry if this would be the end of our stories.
I've been so worried in fact, that I made a special trip to the doctor the other day just to get checked out. Good news is, Dr. Bowie feels strongly in his professional opinion that I am in fact going to be kickin' it for a bit longer. So, I've decided that it's time to pull myself out of this funk. While I'm not guaranteed another 80 years, I do have today -- and I'm going to make this day, and every other day I'm blessed to spend with you, count.
You see, lately I've been pondering "the end" a lot. I'm not sure if it's normal mom stuff, or if it's typical child of a dead parent stuff, but my greatest fear of you and I not spending the next 80 years together has been weighing heavily on my mind. Writing the "final chapter" in your baby book was admittedly giving me major anxiety, as I couldn't help but worry if this would be the end of our stories.
I've been so worried in fact, that I made a special trip to the doctor the other day just to get checked out. Good news is, Dr. Bowie feels strongly in his professional opinion that I am in fact going to be kickin' it for a bit longer. So, I've decided that it's time to pull myself out of this funk. While I'm not guaranteed another 80 years, I do have today -- and I'm going to make this day, and every other day I'm blessed to spend with you, count.
I promise to be better about documenting, writing, photographing and enjoying every moment with you to the fullest. More importantly, I refuse to spend one more day wasting away this life worrying about "the end".
Now on to Chapter Two...
Love,
Mommy
Mommy
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