Worry Wart

Dear Spencer,

"Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow." 

As long as your Nay is alive, you're sure to hear these words a million times. Although, coming from her southern tongue it will probably sound more like "Don't borry trouble" but either way, this saying will be one you know well.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a worrywart. When I was a young child I would worry about my grades to the extent that I wouldn't sleep and often vomit. As I grew into a teenager I would worry about diseases and illnesses so much that I eventually had to take anti-anxiety medication in my twenties. Yes, it is true that worry is not new to me.

Tonight your father and I started going over our finances and that led me to worry about the thing that adults worry about the most, money. As we discussed over the ever-growing stack of medical bills that seem to arrive daily, I began to panic. Living in the social economy of today, most Americans are worrying, heck the majority of the world is worrying. We're in the middle of a recession and times are most definitely tough.

So the big question is, why in the world would your father and I plan a baby during such a dreadful financial period? Well, that's easy - number one, we're not getting any younger and number two, when we began this journey things looked much better for us. Unfortunately throughout my pregnancy, we had a lot of curveballs thrown our way and it really took a toll on our savings account. Additionally, about two weeks before I delivered you, my hours were reduced at work and my pay was cut by 10%. We've been able to recover much of that money, but it still makes me very wary about tomorrow. 

What if I am laid off? 

The truth of the matter is, we absolutely couldn't afford to live off unemployment. I would have to find a good-paying job immediately, and in a small town with little-to-no opportunity and an unemployment rate hovering around 14%, times are very scary indeed.

So needless to say, I've worried myself sick about the what-ifs and the what-nows. 

During our 12:30AM feeding, I worried so much that I was up for two hours after I laid you back down. Thankfully I did fall asleep and you gave me an extra hour of rest to catch up. At the 4:30AM feeding, my favorite, I began to worry again. I started running over every scenario in my head.

If I was laid off, what would be the first thing we would lose? Would it be our home that we love so much? How would we handle the daycare situation? We definitely couldn't afford to pay for daycare, but what would we do if I found another job and we'd lost our spot with Mrs. Jo? Health insurance would be very important. Oh God, what if Daddy lost his job too? Then we'd really be in trouble.

And the worrying went on and on, consuming my every thought. 

Finally, I realized I'd fed you your entire bottle and I didn't remember one minute of my most cherished feeding of the day. That's when I could hear Nay say it, "Now Stephanie, don't borrow trouble". As I looked at you nuzzled on my chest in your tractor jammies with your bedhead, I realized that I'd missed out on the present by worrying about the future. I realized I'd missed hearing your sweet little piggy sounds and watching your mouth feverishly suckle at the bottle. I realized that none of this worrying was important. I realized that today life was good, in this moment all the bills were paid, and our little family was safe. I realized that all those worries would have to wait for another time because right now, I was rocking my baby.

Love,

Mommy