Happy 3rd Birthday, Spencer!

Dear Spencer,

Today marks my 1,096 day as a mother.

One thousand, ninety-six days ago I was in the hospital, terrified, holding you for the very first time, unsure of what to do next. At the time I was only certain of two things - one that you were hands down the most gorgeous human being I had ever laid eyes on and two - I could never love anyone or anything more.

Three years later and I'm a little more confident in my abilities and my mission as a mother. I have skillfully mastered the art of changing a diaper on a standing toddler, and I could fashionably dress one, with a hand tied behind my back. I know how to make the perfect peanut butter toast and I know to never, ever cut up anything without consulting a toddler first. I know how to conduct a time-out anywhere, including inside Walmart, and I also know how to bite my tongue when someone judges me for my screaming child in Walmart. I know that no two chicken nuggets are created equal and I also know that just because a toddler likes apples today does not mean he will like them tomorrow.

Alternately, I still don't know the secret to making a child sleep through the night and I can't manage a bloody boo-boo without freaking out. I also couldn't tell you the first thing about potty training a human being and I still haven't learned all the names of the characters in the movie Planes.

But know that I am always trying.

As you grow and learn new things, so do I - that's the most beautiful part of this journey, that we're learning and growing together. That while you're learning to ride a bike, I'm learning to get better at handling boo-boos. And while you're learning to read, I'm perfecting my character voices. And as I teach you to manage your anger and frustrations, I'm learning better to manage my own.

This learning process has helped me to feel better about myself as not only a mother but as a human being. I've learned to live life a little slower by taking the time to enjoy the small things. I've learned to see every opportunity as a growing experience for us both. I've learned to surround myself with the people and things that make me feel good and eliminate those that make me feel bad. I've learned that the most important thing I can do is teach you to be kind, to love others, to be accepting of others' mistakes, and be quick to apologize for your own. And I've learned that the best way I can teach you these things, is by leading by example.

But the biggest thing I have learned is that I will never have all the answers. That I will never know exactly what to do in every situation. That there is no such thing as an expert mother. That I will continue to learn every single day and that a small part of me will always be that terrified, unsure mother in the hospital who really only knows two things - that her child is the most gorgeous human being she's ever laid eyes on and she could never love anyone or anything more.

Happy 3rd birthday to my heart, my soul, and my little teacher.

I love you,

Mommy